Circuit Boards (I'm Gonna Love You Inside Out)
by Ballycastle-Bat
Summary: [Ray Palmer x Barry Allen/Flashatom] Ray has a sensory overload related meltdown, and he fears he ruined his and Barry's first Valentine's day.


[Rating: Mature

Pairing: Barry Allen/Ray Palmer romantic relationship.

Format: excerpt

Warnings: sensory issues, crying, implied ableism, sensory-related meltdowns.

Spoilers/Timeline: None.

Author's Notes: This fic was for Flashatom Valentines Week 2020. I usually write Autistic!Ray. _Author is Autistic._

The sex scene ends at the first page break if you wanna scroll past I could only edit it like 3 times before I just moved on hahaha? I don't write sex but I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone.

Also this is a snip from a longer fic so it's slightly incomplete... things aren't as magically fine and sorted as they look.]

Saying Ray was nervous about his first valentines day with Barry was really putting it pretty lightly. He'd had the day carefully planned out since new years, and he was hoping with everything in him that Barry would keep him that long.

He'd hoped he could keep his mask on that long; the one that his the crossed wires in his brain, the loose circuits that didn't connect to anything leading his energy to leak out. It even hid the ones that took over all the energy from his brain; giving him the ability to focus on only one thing for hours or days at a time. It hid his broken sensors too, the ones that made his skin burn from simple discomfort.

"Babe," Barry pulled Ray from his daydream. "Are you coming home with me today? I would love to spend the weekend with you." his touch was warm on Ray's arms, and it lingered. "We could watch some movies?"

"Yes, I did promise to spend our first Valentine's day with you." he smiled broadly, and Barry didn't suspect anything was wrong. Ray spaced out sometimes, and so did he.

However, when they got back to Barry's apartment, Ray made himself way too busy. He unpacked his duffel bag into the drawers, as he would be staying the week, and Barry didn't like him living out of a duffel bag like he didn't nearly live there too.

He seemed too focused on where he put everything. "You okay?" Barry came in and slowly slid his arms around Ray's waist. A soft kiss ghosted Ray's shoulder.

Ray relaxed ever slightly under his touch and turned around to pull Barry into a quick kiss. Their foreheads pressed together a moment as Ray held Barry's face. "I'm so excited to spend the weekend with you." He smiled and kissed him again, more serious this time; his arms wrapping around his waist.

They slowly moved towards the bed with Barry tugging them over until Barry was flush with it; then he fell back, pulling Ray over with him. They hadn't really been alone in ages. Gideon had assured Barry that when he invented her he made sure she was good at covering up sound; that did not help. He still felt weird about it. Especially with Gideon there, telling them that as Barry expressed his concerns. It didn't help the mood at all.

Barry's hands moved up into Ray's hair as he started to leave soft open mouth kisses down Ray's neck; who of course had no complaints. A soft moan escaped Ray's parted lips as Barry picked a spot to focus on.

Ray's hand moved to push Barry's arms up "This okay?" he hummed softly, running his hand up under his shirt when Barry nodded.

Barry's teeth gently scraped down Ray's neck, making Ray shiver above him. Ray pushed Barry's shirt over his head. Barry started pulling at Ray's clothes as well, soon getting his shirt off from where it was blocking Barry from leaving marks on Ray's chest. "I've been thinking about this for days." Barry's voice stirred up feelings in Roy's groin. "I felt that." he teased. Barry turned them over, laughing into his skin.

Ray, of course laughed with him, stealing kisses when he could, though his hands were roaming, and Barry seemed intent on painting marks onto Ray's chest, near his shoulder. "Good," he hummed, one hand gripping Barry's ass and the other pulling him into another kiss.

Ray was already flushed at the contact as he chuckled softly and turned them over again; then he paused; his finger tips carefully sliding down Barry's now bare chest. He craved more of the heat their bodies were generating. He rolled his hips into Barry's, earning a small sound from Barry that Ray silenced with his mouth. He moved slowly downwards until he was off the bed and on the floor; his hands worshiping the front of Barry's jeans.

Any other day they would have rushed, but for once they seemed to have an entire weekend to themselves. They had time to work each other up, and Barry had time to break Ray down. He loved when Ray would make small sounds in his ear, rushing to get closer to him and gain more friction as Barry teased him. So this would be a fun weekend.

Barry's eyes fell closed and he just enjoyed the feeling of Ray touching him. He felt a strong hand move back up his chest as the other stayed where it was. He closes his eyes and pushed against the stimulation. It wasn't long before Ray was removing Barry's dick from his boxer briefs. He looked up at Barry and their eyes met for a second before Ray took Barry's cock into his mouth. Making Barry's hands flex on his shoulders as he started to move on him. "Ray," he breathed. "... fuck. Ray--"

**BA RP BA RP**

**BA RP BA RP**

When they were spent, Barry pulled the blanket up over them and kissed Ray's shoulder; admiring the marks on Ray's chest that were starting to become slightly visible. Soft pink marks for now.

Barry gently ran his fingers over them, and Ray liked the attention and sensations briefly before bringing Barry's hand to his lips and kissing the back of it. "Hmm," he hummed as he smiled against Barry's hand with a chuckle.

Barry grinned and nodded once. "You're really cuddly today."

Ray shrugged. "I'm really happy to be here with you," his voice warmed Barry's ear. "I feel like I'm home." He could feel Barry nuzzle himself a bit into his neck and Ray welcomed it, willing himself to nap with his boyfriend's warmth around him.

Barry wasn't able to stay awake for much longer either, far too warm and comfortable, and Ray's scent was as comforting as always.

Later in the day, Ray got fixated on fixing the cabinet that Barry had been neglecting. When was he supposed to fix that? Last August? Barry couldn't remember. Despite his super speed, sometimes Barry just forgot to do things for himself.

"You don't have to worry about the cabinet right now, Ray." Barry had tried to argue but to no avail.

Ray shrugged his shoulders as he started to hand the new door he'd made. He'd never been much of a woodworker, but attaching hinges to a plank with rounded edges wasn't very hard. He painted the new door and let it dry (with some help from his speedster boyfriend). When that was done, he installed it, and Barry cleared out the kitchen. Ray seemed agitated, but managed to somehow not direct it at Barry.

"Everything okay?"

Ray nodded. "I'm fine. You should go set up the movie and I'll be there once I wash my hands." he went over to the sink and turned on the water; he waited for it to warm up before he started washing his hands. He tried to distract his brain from the discomfort he was feeling, Especially as the water grew hotter, leading to more discomfort. He finally turned off the water and dried his hands once all the soap ws gone.

He wasn't sure what to do as he started to feel the pressure from everything building inside him.

Ray had begun to pace through the kitchen; tiny bits of sawdust in his shirt cut into his skin like a thousand hot needles. He knew he could just shower, but he had things to finish. His brain wouldn't let him switch over.

Once again, Barry's voice cut through the silence. "Ray?" he craned his head to look at Ray from the sofa. "Are you anxious? You've been pacing for a while."

He watched as Ray's pacing increased in speed, and he began to wring his hands out. "I'm fine." Ray replied, as cooly as he could manage. "Sorry."

But he didn't stop pacing; shaking his hands out at his sides before bringing them back together. The room was too loud, and the refrigerator was humming directly into his ears in a way that he feared would melt his brain. All this combined with the sawdust in his back, and the single bead of sweat which had gotten in his eye. He was losing it. All of the wires in his head were feeding directly into the motherboard, overloading it with so much energy it was only a matter of time before it came too much.

Barry had risen from the sofa when he noticed Ray had gotten locked into a pattern. Shaking his hands out, then wringing them out as he paced back and forth, over and over again. "Ray, how about you sit down?'' His voice was gentle, concern bleeding out.

He just kept saying the same thing. "I'm fine. I'm sorry." The mask was crumbling, and Ray could almost imagine it shattering on the floor, revealing every short circuit and broken connection. Displaying them so openly to Barry that on top of everything, Ray felt sick deep in his belly.

Barry made his way over to Ray, gently wrapping his hands around his arms; stilling him and his movements. The touch was gentle, but it still stung and sent pain through Ray's skin. It was too much at once and something snapped, tears pouring down Ray's face as his large frame trembled. "I'm sorry- I'm sorry."

When Barry felt Ray starting to go down, he followed him to his knees on the kitchen floor. He still held onto him. "Hey, it's okay." his voice gentle again. He began to make soft shushing sounds in Ray's ears as he rubbed his arms.

Ray took a few deep breaths, struggling to find his words. When he did, he spoke firmly. "Please- Plea- Please stop." He was granted his wish when Barry stopped the sound.

"Gideon, please turn off the television." He said strongly, and the TV shut off without a confirmation from the A.I. He watched almost helplessly as Ray sobbed into his hands. Barry just sat with him; remaining silent. Ray would ask when he needed something it would seem.

They probably sat on the floor for twenty minutes, maybe more. Barry never leaving his side, gently squeezing his arms in an attempt to keep him grounded. He'd never seen Ray like this, aside from strangled apologises he didn't speak. Barry tried to tell him that everything would be okay.

When Ray finally calmed down, his shoulders slumped down like there was a weight on his shoulders and he was silent for a few seconds. Barry decided to let him gather himself before he asked questions. "... That hurts, Barry." Ray's voice was barely above a whisper.

Barry slowly pulled his hands away. "Sorry," he moved to sit cross legged on the floor, and when he did; Ray deflated further. "Can I hold you now … or?"

Ray's only response to that question was to lean forward and bury his face into Barry's shoulder. He was far too burnt out to say much else, he had no energy left. He wanted to run out the door or to hide, he couldn't though. He wasn't even sure when he'd be able to stand again.

Barry gently reached around Ray, one hand on his back and the other cradled the back of his head. It confused Ray how gentle Barry was being; there was no anger here. It wasn't a response he had ever received from anyone besides Nate, sometimes Sara. There wasn't even frustration, it was just … care.

Which made him feel more guilty. "I'm sorry."

Barry's breath was warm against Ray's cheek as he sighed and pressed a kiss to his head. "You keep saying that when you don't need to. You got overwhelmed, that's okay."

Ray shook his head. "No. This happens to me. I'm wired this way."

With a gentle hand, Barry guided Ray into a standing position. "What happened?"

Ray's breathing was still a bit laboured, but his eyes were focused now. "I have sawdust in my shirt." his answer was delivered cleanly, and honestly. He didn't see the point in acting like his sunshine self when Barry was literally holding him off the floor.

"Okay," Barry stood. "I'm going to take this off, okay?"

With a nod, Barry went ahead and helped Ray get his shirt off. Some pieces of sawdust did fall out onto the floor. Barry ignored them, cleaning them up later would be a non-issue. He led Ray to the bathroom. "Can I wash your back?" his voice was soft, wanting to help ray feel comfortable but not sure how to do that without overstepping.

Ray was silent for a few seconds. "I can. It's okay. You don't have to."

"Is it okay if I want to?" Barry was rephrasing his question in a way.

This change of tone seemed to surprise Ray. "Yes, if you want to."

Both men stripped down to nothing, and Barry set up two towels on the counter. The water started to run until it was a safe warm. They stepped in and Barry got a loofa. "Please don't laugh, but … those hurt."

"I'm not going to laugh at you." Barry grabbed one of the sponges. "I have a calming body wash, will that help? It's supposed to help with, like, skin irritation."

Ray shrugged, he had admittedly never tried before. He was also quieter now so Barry tried not to push too many questions. He put some of the body wash on a sponge and gently washed Ray's back with it, taking the shower head down to hose him down when he was done. After that it was completely silent as they took turns washing their hair. When they got out, Barry toweled off Ray's back before handing it over and before drying off himself.

They went back to the room and Ray just pulled on a pair of boxers and a thin t-shirt. Barry retrieved a pair of black boxer briefs from his own drawer.

When they settled into bed, Ray hid his face in Barry's chest. "I'm sorry, I ruined it." his voice was barely above a whisper.

Strong hands came up to gently cup Ray's face. "You didn't ruin anything. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine now, just tired." He nodded and turned his head to kiss Barry's palm, holding it to his face. "That happens sometimes." he seemed hesitant to offer up this information.

Barry frowned, wondering why he hadn't mentioned it before. "Why?"

"I'm autistic."

Barry's hand gently started to stroke up and down Ray's arm. "Is this okay?" when he got a nod from Ray he continued. "I know that, babe, I guess that's related to this, huh?"

Ray nodded once. "I'm kind of wired differently from you," he started. "Sometimes, if I put too much pressure on myself to blend in it gets harder to stop that from happening." he wouldn't look at Barry, he looked down, but Barry didn't want to assume anything about that.

He nodded along with Ray's words. "and then the saw dust set you off?" Barry guessed, trying to fill in enough for Ray to give yes or no answers.

"Yes, and the fridge, it's loud." he closed his eyes and felt lips ghost at his forehead. "It's kind of like the battery connection to the circuit is broken, so they all feed directly into the battery and then the battery blows."

He felt warm breath on his forehead as Barry sighed, soon moving to his ear. "Ray, I don't know why you were locking up so much. I love you, no blending in needed."

There was silence for a second. "I didn't want you to see the messy circuit board in my brain."

Barry frowned, lips still close to his skin. "Ray, don't lock yourself up. The way you exist is perfect the way it is."

"It gets ugly sometimes."

"I'm sure, but I love all of it. Every wire, and when you overload you can lean on me." he hoped he was saying the right thing, he was only moderately able to keep up with the circuit board analogy. "and I'm sorry I hurt you earlier, I didn't realise I was holding you so hard, I was only trying to steady you."

Ray shook his head. "That happens a lot. Certain types of touch that hurt me don't hurt others."

Barry nodded slowly. "Alright, I'll remember that." he smiled a little when Ray looked up at him again. "Lets go to bed, and we can sleep in tomorrow and watch Singing in The Rain." he turned over slightly.

"Is it okay if I don't want you to cuddle me?"

Barry nodded and gave Ray a sympathetic look. "Yes, of course. Can I rub your back until you fall asleep, or do you not want to be touched at all?"

"I don't want to be touched at all … I'm not mat at you, I just think I'm starting to get worked up again--"

"I know, it's what you need." he pulled his hand back and watched as Ray turned over on his side and curled up. Ray reached out and touched his hand against Barry's, but didn't hold it

**BA RP BA RP**

**BA RP BA RP**

The next morning, Ray seemed much different. When he woke up, he'd thrown an arm over Barry in his sleep. So he pulled Barry in closer by curling his arm. His hand slid up under Barry's shirt slightly as it rhode up.

"Good morning, kolola." Barry mumbled and a few kisses were lost in hair. "I guess you're feeling better?"

Ray nodded against his shoulder. "Thank you, I'm sorry. Usually Nate takes care of me when I overload."

The room was quiet for a while while Barry processed that; he was tired. "You shouldn't apologise for being upset. I've gotten upset in front of you before, and you held me until I calmed down, do you remember that?"

Ray nodded again. "Yes, of course I do. That was different though, you had a real issue."

Barry frowned. "and your issue wasn't real ?"

"I mean … It's real but I … I live like this."

Barry sighed, pressing his lips against Ray's in a quick soft kiss before sitting up. "How about I make breakfast and then I'll bring it back in here. We can have a Valentine's Day breakfast."

"That sounds good." He nodded and sat up, wrapping his arms around Barry's waist. "But we could also … stay in for a little bit longer. I'm still kind of tired, and I … would like to stay in bed with my handsome boyfriend." He titled his head to kiss Barry's shoulder.

Barry smirked. "Wow, you are feeling better. Fifteen minutes, I promise." He kissed the top of Ray's head before vanishing in a blur.


End file.
